2007- A Year of Victory!

For those who are still visiting my blog every now and then, and have chanced upon this new entry, i salute you!!! =) That's cos' i haven't been blogging for a long time now, even though i did say that i wanted to revive this blog for the longest time.

Well, as with all New Years, we begin with resolutions. For my G12 family, we were asked to fill up a matrix with different applications for our lives, with regards to Going Deep in Christ, Looking Far in Vision, and Asking Big in Faith.

I'd juz share about what i wrote for the first. My application of Going Deep in Christ was to have more regular blogging... and not juz blogging about life in general, but blogging my devotional time, once a week at least.

Confession- was supposed to have started last week, but my lazy bones are well, still lazy! =)

Til the Cluster Presence Meeting we had at TC Chapel last nite....

A longing for His Presence

Went for the Cluster Presence Mtg without any expectations. Truth be told, i was feeling exhausted after a day at school, and all i wanted to do was to hit the sack. Still, i was there.... and as the worship began, i felt different.... i began to feel recharged again... and then i felt it... the presence of God...

I reallie felt like crying then... it's been so long since i felt His Presence so strongly... but i held back my tears as worship continued..
Towards the end of the mtg, Ps Hee Guan told the other pastors to pray for us. As i stood there awaiting my turn, i wondered who the pastor praying for me would be.... then Ps Hee Guan came over...

"The Lord's favour is upon you... His Heart is with you.... " these were the words i remembered him saying... and as i lay on the ground... the tears came..... and i let them....
images flashed across my mind, different pictures of me, as a child, and then progressing on to pri sch, sec sch, JC and uni.... all the times i laughed and cried... esp. the times i cried..... He showed me that He was there.... at every stage of my life.... and then finally, a picture of a man holding a baby in his arms.... He was cradling the baby so tenderly, and He smiled at her.... smiled at me...
"Do you remember?" He asked......

Yes, Lord.... i remember....

I just wasn't aware of His Presence then..... how could i have ever lived a life without knowing Him? Without knowing His Love.... His tender and everlasting Love....

I was so touched, the tears flowed freely, and i couldn't stop them....

It's been so long, Lord..... Despite how i have grieved ad disappointed You in the past, You still love me so... why??

I just do, my child...

God is so good.... and He loves me so.... unconditionally.... AGAPE.... i can ponder over this for a lifetime, but i know that i'll neva be able to fully comprehend the extent of His great love.

BBQ with my sistas

Ok, so this blog's a little late (the BBQ was on Sun, 18 June)... but isn't there the old proverb " better late than never"?

The BBQ
It was quite difficult organising the BBQ, as i really had no idea how much food to order, cos the no. of pple who were coming was not confirmed. It was a "just estimate and pray that the food would be sufficient" attitude that i took. It was quite a rush too, as i placed the order just before i left for Bangkok for my annual shopping spree.

The BBQ was part of our initiatives in helping the cell bond, and to provide an opportunity for us to catch up with one another, outside of Church. All other friends whom we wanted to reach out to/ catch up with, were also welcome to join us.

The no. of pple who turned up was not as good as we expected. However, overall, the BBQ was successful in that we had a nice quiet evening, chatting with one another, laughing at lame jokes.... it was an evening completed with the nice sea breeze, wonderful weather, and of cos, plentiful "flame-grilled" food.

It was nice seeing how my sistas made an effort in turning up for the BBQ, even though it was Daddy's Day, and some had to work round their family dinners to come.... how they put aside their weariness from work and other activities, to greet everyone with geunine smiles.... how they made my friend K feel at ease, by taking the initiative to talk to her...

First Introductions...
It was especially nice for me... as it was also the first time i officially introduced my bf to my spiritual family... though i must say that on hindsight, i should've done it better, so that he'd have felt more comfortable. Cos of my shy nature (yes, i am quite shy! =p ) i didn't introduce him properly, which led to an embarrassing situation... but nevertheless, the whole event of introducing M to my sistas turned out fine. It was kinda awkward for him, being only 1 of the 2 guys who were there... and quite overwhelming for him cos it was the first time mtg so many of my sistas at one time. But well.... i suppose most first introductions are like that.....

I really thank God for blessing me with M... at the end of 2005, if anyone said to me that i would be able to find a guy that satisfied all my criteria of an "ideal mate", i would not have bought it. Yes, i did believe n God's goodness... but i guess thru' all my past r/s.... i got a bit disillusioned and did not want to raise my expectations again.... the higher the expectation, the greater the disappointment, no?

But when i got in touch with M again, after almost 2 years since we graduated fr NUS..... everything fell in place so nicely.... we were able to communicate well, we had common interests and perspectives about church, about life etc..... we shared a love for the outdoors, esp the beach.....

Of cos, we both had our past to reckon with... and so we waited for a period of time before we decided that we were ready to be committed to each other.

I'm reallie blessed.... God has turned things around for me this year.... i prayed for a new beginning for 2006.... i wanted a clean slate... to start over... to renew my walk with God.... and He has indeed been so merciful to me.... granting me the desires of my heart, as i looked to Him. God works in ways so amazing, there's really no way i can even begin to describe how good He is..... for all who know Him.... it's a personal r/s with The Father that no one else experiences in the same way.

God is good.. i've said this before and i'll say it again... God is good... in good times and bad... He's the One who loves us unconditionally.... the Maker of Heaven and Earth..... who else knows every single detail of our lives even before they come to pass?

O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know my sitting down and my rising up:
You understand my thought afar off.
You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways...
-Psalm 139: 1- 3

A "brief" respite

It feels a lil strange to start blogging after so long.... looking at my old posts... it's been half a year since i last typed anything here.

Frens have asked why i stopped blogging.... and my reply is that i'm too lazy, no time, and i attributed my failed blog to one of my "spur-of-the-moment"s... but as i looked at this blog of mine, and all my posts so far (which isn't a lot *grinz*)... i realize that most of them are pretty negative. I started blogging last year.... last year was a difficult year...

Why did i stop blogging? Coz the blog reminds me of 2005.

2006... realised more frens are sharing their lives thru their blogs... and so i started reading blogs again. i contemplated blogging again.... but as usual, the Procrastination bug's bite is strong.

Read C's blog this morning.... and once again, i'm inspired by her own posts... posts which edify the Body of Christ... posts which glorify The Lord.

Why should i not blog anymore? Other than my complaints, my own selfish desires.... has not God done anything which i can give thanks for?

God is good.... He has always been so good to me, all my life.... even before i knew Him personally.... and i AM grateful.

I thank Him for my family... i thank Him for all my struggles.... i thank Him for my successes.... i thank Him for my spiritual family... i thank Him for 2005.... i thank Him for a reallie nice 2006 so far....

As high as the heaven's from the earth... so great is the measure of Our Father's Love...

complete...

Had the spur of the moment desire to own an MP3 player, and Creative was having their festival, so i managed to ask a friend to help me get one (cos it's reallie far, all the way in Jurong!).

Been having lotsa fun ripping CDs, and transferring the songs i have on computer to my new baby.... even went CD shopping (so dun accuse me of piracy ah!).

Am playing this song "Complete" by Parachute Band over and over again....heard it reallie long ago... and recently heard it again.... i simply love this song..... the lyrics describe juz what i feel......

Here i am O God
I bring this sacrifice
My open heart
I open up my life
I look to You Lord
Your love that never ends
Restores me again

So i lift my eyes to You Lord
In Your strength will i break through Lord
Touch me now let Your love fall down on me
I know Your love dispels all my fears
Through the storm i will hold on Lord
And by faith i will walk on Lord
Then i'll see beyond my Calvary one day
And i will be complete in You

Yesterday, juz out of the blue, i suddenly missed him so much.... and i haven't felt that way for some time already..... i thot i had grown numb...... but yesterday, the wounds tore open again..... fresh and raw.....

i dunno what came over me, reallie.... but i had a good cry.... with God by my side....

Christmas is juz ard the corner... it's the season of giving, of love, of hope, of all things that remind us of God....... it's a time i love most in the year.... i love the Christmas carols... the lovely lights that line the streets and malls... i love how little kids seem to be juz that bit happier, with the anticipation of receiving presents.... i love how familes get together for that Christmas dinner.... i love how even the air smells sweeter......

This Christmas is gonna be different from the last... and it brings back many memories.... but i'll not let anything tarnish my Christmas......

I'm walking on.... juz like the song...

Through the storm i will hold on Lord
And by faith i will walk on Lord
Then i'll see beyond my Calvary one day
And i will be complete in You

walking on

Back from Bangkok

Got back last Friday... it was quite a fruitful trip, Ady and i each lugging at least 2 bags. Spent more than i expected, but i must say that they were all reallie good buys. The thought of setting up shop in S'pore, and getting the stock from Bangkok surfaced a couple of times... now we know how much we're being over-charged for the clothes sold here...

Heading back to Bangkok after only a year brought back memories, especially so when we realised we were back at the same hotel.... that was a year back.... juz before things got started between us....

i must admit that the trip was more a diversion for me... a distraction away from thoughts of the past.... a breather from the heaviness in my soul.... escapism it may be, but if i could, i'd choose to keep escaping....

It doesn't help that bros keep playing his fave song on the PC.... that mom asks abt him every now and then.....

Almost 5 mths now.... seems like a long time, but the road to recovery seems endless. It seems that the more i try to forget, the more it seems impossible.... perhaps i should juz change my focus.... not to forget, but to focus on God instead.

The Big Move

We're heading to the Expo this week... a sense of excitement n anticipation has filled the services in the last couple of weeks. Worship has neva been better.....

This move marks a whole new chapter in my spiritual walk... it's been almost 4 year now..... mistakes have been made, painful lessons learnt.... tears of joy, sorrow have been shed..... frens who dunno me well think that i've been consistent in my walk.... close frens know better..... this walk had not been a smooth one..... i'd fallen a couple of times.... but each time, God was always there to help me up....

I pray that as i start on a clean slate, i'll be able to walk on stronger.... armed with the lessons learnt.... the memories i have will always stay wif me.... and for that, i am grateful. After all, we'd juz be robots if we didn't have memories to keep.... but i won't let the memories destroy me.... time will heal.... it always does.....

Family

Woke up today to another string of nagging from my mom... it's the usual... it's been the usual for about a month now.... OK, it's not like this every single day, but almost.... it's bad enough. Basically, it's always about me coming back late... and mind you, her concept of late is anything beyond 10pm.... about me going out everyday.....

There were times i felt like snapping back at her.... i'm in my early twenties.. isn't it ok for me to be out most days? I'm big enough... some pri sch kids dun even have to report home before 10pm!

But i'm glad i held back my tongue.... A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger -Proverbs 15:1...

Today, it happened again..... and when my mom nags.... she doesn't juz go on and on.... she makes hurtful remarks.... i quietly finished up my breakfast and went upstairs. She left the house.

Sitting down, i reflected....

Guess i can't reallie blame her.... i mean... all that she said was true.... even though i din mean to, i guess i've taken her for granted many times. I asked myself why.... why couldn't i have disciplined myself to stay home some days... to appease her?

I sat down and wrote her a note of apology...... i tried to explain.. then paused... what could i say?

In the end, i said that i juz simply needed to keep busy, cos if not, my thoughts would wander.... and i shared with her a bit that it hasn't been easy at all, these past two months, and it's worse, having to pretend that everything was ok.

I reallie din want my mom to know..... i think my dad's gonna know too.... i'd rather deal with my feelings on my own, rather than have them worried.....

Sigh... it's a reallie bad start to a new day.... but i dun blame my mom.... i know i've been a bad testimony at home..... i love my family.... and if The Lord calls me home today, the one regret i'd have is not being able to see my family's salvation...

Lord, forgive me for not being a faithful servant..... help me to be Your Living Word... at home, at work, with my friends....

bored...

Am typing this at work... time seems to pass ever so slowly.... when's it gonna be 4.30pm? I wonder why i am here.... there's nothing for me to do, no meetings to attend.. but.... here i am... stuck in a place that i have no wish to be in.......

It's the holidays... at least for the kids.... well, guess it's a breather for me as well. It's been quite a taxing year... got a handful of challenging kids. Many pple have asked if i'd stay in this line of work for long, and i dun reallie know how to answer them.

I like my job... i think it's reallie fulfilling, looking at the smiles on the kids' faces when they finally grasp a difficult concept, being greeted in the morning by them, having them come up to you to tell you their sorry, and to ask you not to be angry... receiving "thank you" notes from them at the end of the year...

On the other hand, they are things i dun like about my job... like all the extra duties we have....

Guess it is the same with any other job... there's always the good and tha bad...

And so, i think i'll leave my decision (whether or not i'd be in this line for long) to the next 1 and a half years...